Blogmas: On feeling overwhelmed.
I think November and December are hectic months for everyone. It feels like the world is screaming at you to get things done faster, faster, faster. Especially here in Korea. Almost everyone is well versed on the whole 빨리빨리 culture, where everything needs doing yesterday and you'd better not stand still for so much as a second or else an old granny is gonna come swat you out of her way.
Sometimes the speed that the world is spinning now makes me want to scream, it makes me feel so anxious and helpless and I question why we're running at all. I'm guilty of doing it to myself too, as dumb as it is. I've been pushing myself harder in the last semester, in a lot of different ways.
I picked up violin twice a week, trying to shove myself into playing pieces before the end of the year when half the time I still struggle to read notes, or remember where to place my fingers on the A string. I've been trying to take care of every cat I can find on the street when I still have Bailey and Stella who need a home. I've been trying to get back into working out, back up to 12,000+ steps a day, back up to that 40kg squat and my flexibility when I'm still in physical therapy and can hardly touch my toes. I even picked up German again alongside my Korean studies! It seems crazy.
I've been so desperate to prove to anyone who can hear me that I belong here, I'm worthy of this life I'm living, that I'm not a fraud. I can handle responsibility, I can handle this job. I can do this. Let me prove it to you, extend my contract and you'll get the best damn teacher you've ever had. But yet, that contract hasn't come yet. I feel like I'm grasping at every straw to make that document see me as worthy and pop into my hands. I can do this, it's fine. My personal mantra the last 9 months honestly.
I think the most important part of this whole blogmas exercise is knowing when I can do something, and when I can't. When to stop shoving myself through consuming as much information as I can handle, when to stop trying to bend myself until I break. It's a hard mindset to snap out of. I've always been used to running a mile a minute through life, trying to make up for lost time. Always reaching for that next goal, that next finish line, that next, that next, that next....until I fall on my face and stop entirely. Finishing something for myself is different than just completing the next thing on my list. Goals should be for me, for my life, something to improve myself.
Sometimes we, myself really, need to be reminded that life isn't always about moving forward at breakneck speed, it's not about having your life figured out by 25. Even if I don't have something in my hands to show the world that I belong here, my fee for existing, it's okay. Me being here and trying is enough.
I've been having fun pushing myself, but I know that the little gremlin inside of me is going to keep taking more on until I break under the stress. I think it's time to pop out that goal list and focus on some of those self care items before I pick myself up and trudge through to another year.
I think today, I'll sit down with that Holiday Hype playlist, some Netflix movies and a face mask and give it another go with my best efforts.
Take care of yourself first, everyone! Life should be fun, not frantic.
Sometimes the speed that the world is spinning now makes me want to scream, it makes me feel so anxious and helpless and I question why we're running at all. I'm guilty of doing it to myself too, as dumb as it is. I've been pushing myself harder in the last semester, in a lot of different ways.
I picked up violin twice a week, trying to shove myself into playing pieces before the end of the year when half the time I still struggle to read notes, or remember where to place my fingers on the A string. I've been trying to take care of every cat I can find on the street when I still have Bailey and Stella who need a home. I've been trying to get back into working out, back up to 12,000+ steps a day, back up to that 40kg squat and my flexibility when I'm still in physical therapy and can hardly touch my toes. I even picked up German again alongside my Korean studies! It seems crazy.
I've been so desperate to prove to anyone who can hear me that I belong here, I'm worthy of this life I'm living, that I'm not a fraud. I can handle responsibility, I can handle this job. I can do this. Let me prove it to you, extend my contract and you'll get the best damn teacher you've ever had. But yet, that contract hasn't come yet. I feel like I'm grasping at every straw to make that document see me as worthy and pop into my hands. I can do this, it's fine. My personal mantra the last 9 months honestly.
I think the most important part of this whole blogmas exercise is knowing when I can do something, and when I can't. When to stop shoving myself through consuming as much information as I can handle, when to stop trying to bend myself until I break. It's a hard mindset to snap out of. I've always been used to running a mile a minute through life, trying to make up for lost time. Always reaching for that next goal, that next finish line, that next, that next, that next....until I fall on my face and stop entirely. Finishing something for myself is different than just completing the next thing on my list. Goals should be for me, for my life, something to improve myself.
Sometimes we, myself really, need to be reminded that life isn't always about moving forward at breakneck speed, it's not about having your life figured out by 25. Even if I don't have something in my hands to show the world that I belong here, my fee for existing, it's okay. Me being here and trying is enough.
I've been having fun pushing myself, but I know that the little gremlin inside of me is going to keep taking more on until I break under the stress. I think it's time to pop out that goal list and focus on some of those self care items before I pick myself up and trudge through to another year.
I think today, I'll sit down with that Holiday Hype playlist, some Netflix movies and a face mask and give it another go with my best efforts.
Take care of yourself first, everyone! Life should be fun, not frantic.
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