Blogmas: The one where it gets personal.
Sometimes life really isn't pretty and it really isn't fun. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit, that kinda thing.
A few years ago I had an accident which left me with a brain injury. I struggled heavily with memory loss, photophobia, and cluster migraines for about 8-9 months after I was diagnosed with PCS. I still struggle sometimes. There's good days and bad days and really bad days. I've been having a lot more of those really bad days though, and I've been really trying to push through it to the best of my ability. Sometimes all my body wants to do is lie in bed in a blacked out room with no sound anywhere, just existing in a perfect stillness that will never exist. It's painful, it's frustrating, it's all around terrible in ways I can't explain. Today is one of those days that tips the scale, and all I can do is just slink home and crawl into bed with my cats and wait it out.
It's usually times like this where I remember to be thankful that I can walk and I can talk and see and remember things and teach, because I vividly remember the days where even the sound of my own breathing would want to make me cry because I couldn't handle anything. Days where I would take handfuls of painkillers so I could try and get through the day without wanting to stop existing. Days where I would forget people I knew, forget I'd spoken to my own mom an hour before.
It felt like I was walking around in a fog like Silent Hill, just hazes of things around me I couldn't access. I knew I wasn't alone in the world but god damn, it felt like I was. I was trapped inside this bubble where time slipped away and it was only being laid up in pain alone. I forgot almost an entire year of my life, just chunks here and there are left. I remember being a different person because of it.
It was horrifying and I'm really thankful that I'm not in that place anymore. Little snippets of it still crop up and it shakes me to my core. I felt obligated to myself to make a post instead of hiding under my bed all day to avoid the sunlight. Like I said yesterday, this is just reality for me and I hope nobody ever has to go through something like that, or the after effects of it. Take care of your heads kids, wear a helmet when you're on a scooter, try not to get whiplash, and don't smack your head off of hard things. Alright?
A few years ago I had an accident which left me with a brain injury. I struggled heavily with memory loss, photophobia, and cluster migraines for about 8-9 months after I was diagnosed with PCS. I still struggle sometimes. There's good days and bad days and really bad days. I've been having a lot more of those really bad days though, and I've been really trying to push through it to the best of my ability. Sometimes all my body wants to do is lie in bed in a blacked out room with no sound anywhere, just existing in a perfect stillness that will never exist. It's painful, it's frustrating, it's all around terrible in ways I can't explain. Today is one of those days that tips the scale, and all I can do is just slink home and crawl into bed with my cats and wait it out.
It's usually times like this where I remember to be thankful that I can walk and I can talk and see and remember things and teach, because I vividly remember the days where even the sound of my own breathing would want to make me cry because I couldn't handle anything. Days where I would take handfuls of painkillers so I could try and get through the day without wanting to stop existing. Days where I would forget people I knew, forget I'd spoken to my own mom an hour before.
It felt like I was walking around in a fog like Silent Hill, just hazes of things around me I couldn't access. I knew I wasn't alone in the world but god damn, it felt like I was. I was trapped inside this bubble where time slipped away and it was only being laid up in pain alone. I forgot almost an entire year of my life, just chunks here and there are left. I remember being a different person because of it.
It was horrifying and I'm really thankful that I'm not in that place anymore. Little snippets of it still crop up and it shakes me to my core. I felt obligated to myself to make a post instead of hiding under my bed all day to avoid the sunlight. Like I said yesterday, this is just reality for me and I hope nobody ever has to go through something like that, or the after effects of it. Take care of your heads kids, wear a helmet when you're on a scooter, try not to get whiplash, and don't smack your head off of hard things. Alright?
Comments
Post a Comment